Whose Fault Is It, Anyway?
A common place couples get stuck in conflict is in blame. Whose fault is it? Who started it? Who deserves an apology? Who is “right”? These questions quickly turn a moment of disconnection into a power struggle, where the goal becomes “winning” the argument rather than understanding each other (spoiler: “winning” is actually losing, for everyone). Blame narrows our perspective, making it harder to see the full picture or take responsibility for our own role in the dynamic. Instead of creating space for repair and reconnection, blame fuels defensiveness, shame, and feeling distant.
At the heart of blame is often the ego — that part of us that wants to feel safe, seen, justified, powerful. Blame can offer a temporary sense that we have these things. But when ego leads the way, we become more focused on protecting ourselves than on repairing the connection. It’s an indicator that we’re moving from a defended place.
If this sounds familiar, I recommend couple therapy. Additionally, here are some approaches couples can use to navigate blame when it shows up:
Ownership of your percentage. What I mean by this is rarely, if ever, is a conflict 100% one person’s fault, but it can feel this way when blame and shame show up. One way to shift blame is for each partner to take accountability for some percentage of the conflict, even if it’s 1%.
For example, you can take ownership for 20% and your partner feels they can own 40%. That’s 60%. It’s then worth exploring where the additional 40% might be coming from – perhaps there are external factors or influences that aren’t necessarily the fault of either partner that are worth acknowledging.
Clear up ambiguity that might be causing confusion and miscommunication. I’m a huge fan of the idea that clarity is kindness. Get clear and explicit about roles, responsibilities, and expectations if that’s a source of tension in the relationship.
Brené Brown often uses the metaphor of “sitting on the same side of the table”. I like this imagery because it suggests both parties are working together, rather than in opposition, and are open to each other's perspectives and needs. It reframes the dynamic from “my partner is the problem” to “the problem is the problem,” encouraging a united front in facing challenges.
Utilizing “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, “I feel disappointed when you don’t check in with me to tell me you’re coming home late” (rather than “You never check in with me”.
We want to avoid “you” statements and words like “never” and “always”).
Try incorporating “we” phrases, which can shift the framework back to the couple as a unit. For example, “we seem to be struggling to hear each other” (vs. “you never listen to me”). Ultimately, what one of you is struggling with is something the couple is struggling with as a whole.
Speak from your story. This quite literally means starting with “my story is that…” or “the story I have is…”. This acknowledges something super important – subjectivity. There is no such thing as objective truth in relationships, each person brings their own unique, subjective perspective and experience. When you start from a place of “my story is…” it makes room for your partner to have a different experience and to begin navigating these differences (which is likely where conflict is arising) and gain insight into each other’s worlds.
A useful framework for communicating feedback looks something like this:
(1) What I saw or heard – sticking to the facts of the matter and using “I” statements.
(2) What I made up about that – this is where subjectivity and “my story” is useful.
(3) This is how I feel about that – speaking from your feelings, not interpretations or accusations.
(4) What I’d like now – articulating your needs and desires moving forward.
An example might sound like “I noticed the past couple times we’ve hung out you haven’t asked me how I’m doing. I realize this may not be the case but I start to make up a story that you don’t care about me and aren’t curious about me - which is important to me in a relationship. I’m feeling a little insecure and distant from you. I’d love it if we could find some time this weekend to slow down and connect with each other”.
My work in relationship therapy often involves navigating difference – in opinion, in perspective, in needs and expectations, in boundaries, in values and beliefs and upbringing.
Difference is inherent in all relationships but doesn’t need to be a source of continual rupture or distress. If this feels like an area where your relationship could use some support, please reach out to schedule a consultation call and discuss your relationship goals.
